"It never gets easier but I hope its for the better"
I wish I was as strong as everybody thinks I am. I am the girl who can get through anything who is so independent, so brave and so willed. Or so whatever they think. I wish I was as numb as I’d like to think. The girl who doesn’t feel anymore nor care with whatever happens.
My chest hurt, my mind explodes with sadness, I can’t sleep and eat properly. I feel like I’m into bits and pieces. I am starting to become a walking zombie. For the few, a little more than that. But nevertheless, it never failed to remind me what I’ve lost.
I’ve been crying every night before going to sleep whenever I pray or think about this, its been a week after the whole thing has happened. Yes I am fine on the outside. My hair waves goes well, my outfit is chic and everything seems to look so normal. They would all ask if I’m okay when they hear the news and I will say I’m fine, with a smile I don’t even know how I can pull off. But inside, I’m bleeding.
I could have been better and I could have loved him more. I could have done this and done that. But none of that will ever change anything anymore. It’s not so hard to blame karma either. That maybe things turned back around and bit me when I least expected it. Maybe somehow I deserve this. Maybe I shouldn’t even complain nor demand next time. And maybe the pain that I’m feeling now isn’t even half of what I’ve caused to others. They say that pain is there neither to make us sad, nor it is to give us big lessons on truths about love. It simply serves as a reminder.
I am struggling between the thoughts on whether I should hold on or let it go. I am unsure if the ability to walk out of doors or hanging on is good or bad. Both take a great deal of courage, yet both are ironically weaknesses. I understand that any relationship has to go through the test of time, a bit of mistakes, couple of decisions and handful of challenges. But most especially in every relationship there is a commitment, it takes two; not one, not three to make this work.
They say you don’t deserve to be curling in pain, yet I allow myself to. Partly because I still think that I’m with the one I’m supposed to be with and I don’t know what else to hold on to. I feel incomplete.
But all you can do for now is accept that this things really happen and they are beyond your control. That there are people that screw up or mess up even if you don’t want to. That their thoughts are different from yours. Still be grateful for what happened, and have faith that things can only get better.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much. All there is really to keep living.
When the person you let go is perfectly “The One” for you
It is easy to love someone at their best. It is easy to love something that’s shiny. It is easy to give your best when you receive the same amount of efforts from the other parties. It is easy to stay beside someone with all the giggles and the fun.
It is easy to stay on the phone for hours with a person who talk about anything, everyday, until it’s become some kind of a ritual that you both do every night until one of you has fallen asleep.
It is easy to love someone with a perfect smile, to fall in love with nose kisses and beard rash and that short little giggle that’s used only for you, and it’s so easy to fall in love with secret moments between the two of you, and to get so wrapped up in the world they share with you.
But a relationship is not always the rainbows and fireworks. We’re just humans. We’re not designed to be perfectly in a good mood and on our best behavior 24/7.
It is never about finding a perfect person to love. Because it is easy to fall in love with someone who puts up their best appearance like a wall, and behaves their best so they impress you. It is indeed easy to love them when it’s all about the laughs and the good times.
It is not about finding the prettiest, the strongest, the richest, nor the smartest — not even the most romantic ones who will throw a big gesture like what we’ve seen in all those Hollywood movies that thrive on grand gestures.
True love takes time to develop, several difficult times to see if the person we love stands by us, and a lot of understanding and respect. Attraction and infatuation are not love, no matter how much fairy dust is sprinkled on it to make you believe otherwise.
But deep down, we already knew what we truly need. Let me ask you a few questions,
Who’s going to love you and hold you when you’re at your worst?
Who’s going love you and give their best even when you hurt them so bad and you just don’t give as much as they do?
Who is always going to be there even without the regular talks and communications, but still manages to always know what to do when you break down and need support?
Who’s that one person who stays even when the times are hard?
Who’s that one person who stays after knowing the darkest, most embarrassing secret from your past that not even a single soul ever know before?
Who’s that one amazing person who stands so strong on their own and supports you to go after your dreams?
Who’s that one person who sees you breaking apart and pushes you so hard to get you back on your feet?
Who’s going to take care of you when you’re sick, and looking so horrible, and they still find you the most attractive human being on this earth?
Who’s that one amazing person who puts up such a fight and gives an enormous effort even when you don’t acknowledge them?
Who’s willing to stay awake at 3 am in the morning just so they can listen to all the things you need to talk about when you had a rough day?
And while you read this, who popped into your mind? You remember that person at this very moment, don’t you? You remember the time when you told them your secrets and how relieved you were when you did not see any judgment from their eyes. You remember your first date. The first time you told them that you love them, and the amazing feeling when they told you that they loved you, too. You remember the time they cried over you, and how you witnessed how sincere their love and affections for you were.
You remember giving them a list of reasons for why it would not work, and how they should find someone else. You remember giving them the reasons why they should just walk away. But they did not go anywhere, they told you that they don’t want anyone else and they refused to let go. But you let them go anyway. No one can do quite like they did, is that it? And you’re pretty sure that no one will ever love you the way they did, aren’t you?
We spend our lifetimes to find that one person, yet, as humans, we never really learn. We take those people who love us so unconditionally for granted after we found them. We wonder if we can find someone better, we get distracted by other people, and we get tired.
But we forget that there are a lot of people who are better than us, but they stayed. And often, after it’s already too late, we realize that we’ve lost a diamond while we’re so busy observing the other grey rocks.